FAQ

Dear users please send questions involving family matters marriage and the like to the following e-mail address:

faq@ardabili.com

and we will try to answer them as soon as we can , in some casws frequently asked questions will be posted in the question and answer section of this website.

Q.HI

I have a few questions I D like you to answer.

1.how can one stay away from desire between the ages of 16-20?

2.wath shape does this desire take after marriage?

3.how many times a wek can one have this relation with his wife?

Id appreciate if your answer all of my questions because these kinds of questions are perceived as inappropriate in our society we have no other way to become aware of these issues and therefore we are misled .

A.hello

Dear friend thank you for choosing me to answer your questions. Here are my answers.

1.during this or any other age for that matter one should not fight or be in confilic with these sorts of feeling .I mean it should not take the shape of self- denial but really self –respect meaning one should strive to recognize and understand it and ieran how to pay no heed to it.

Normally this desire is at its height during youth-hood it consumes much of the person s energy and attention therefore exercising is the best solution to this problem long with studying and /or busying yourself with something.more importantly finding a friend with the same principles and values and if all else fails permanent marriage is the only solution-taking into consideration the circumstances one requires for marriage.

In all respect fighting with ones desire can be detrimental to ones nevous system and can have many negative effects.

Also becoming familiar with religious practices is a temporary solution to this problem going on a trip especially a religious pilgrimage is the best way but all you should forget fighting with this desire all-together because it is a gift from god.

Don’t swim against the ocean but iearn how to surf the waves .

2.after you ve iearned how to deal with this feeling after marriage it is a completely normal and joyful experience. Don’t worry about the after –marriage part.

3.this depends on the vigor of the individual and also the request of his wife.

This issue should not be over –done so therefore a balance must be acquired and each person should recognize his/her own sexual limitations.

I hope ive anwered all of your questions and will be happy to answer any more that you have.

Bye

Ardabili

Q.hello and thank you for the wonderful work that you do.

My question is regarding to finding a spouse at a suitable age.am I going to have any trouble if I marry agirl who is the same age as me?haw young can you go before you his psychological and problems?

Please help me in this matter and also give me more info about in-person or telephone counseling .

I am 28 years old and I need to make a decision on this issue as soon as possible.

A.HELLO

Dear friend the issue of age and the appropriate age-gap for marriage is a logical argument and it is based on the location and the time – period of the individual.

In iran people tend to want to stick to both traditional and modern methods of marriage.this means that they don’t want to let go of their traditions but at the same time they also want to be modem.

Age can be an important factor because there are some families who pay more attention to their family relations rather than focusing on the couple that want to get married.

Otherwise there shouldn’t be a problem with families in choosing and accepting a girl who is the same age or even older but with the cultural circumstances in iran these situations are hard to find .

Try to seek guidance and help from an experienced counselor in this matter.

Bye

Ardabili

Q.hello

Iam 22 years old and I study electronics in azad university(Tehran)

Its been a while since ive considered temporary marriage but I can t seem to go through with it and actually do it because of the reasons listed below.

1.not being familiar enough with the religious in this matter for example is the approval of the father of the girl necessary or not?

2.not knowing which kinds of women I can trust before I get married to them because I don’t want anybody to become aware of it.

Every time I ve tried to do this I have always backed out due to shyness and lack of courage .the reason behind my need to get temporarily married is because iam afraid that if I don’t ,I might fall in to sin and temptation

Please help me in this matter,

Thank you

A.HELLO

1.in the case of getting a temporary marriage and the religious rulings regarding the issue you should refer to the books of your religious leader (ayatollah that you follow). In this case,you have to follow an ayatollah who has comprehensive knowledge about the issue.

Nevertheless it is most important for you to follow these guidelines.

2.as for whom to trust and whom not to trust, I really cant help you in that matter because it’s a difficult topic . secondly my site does not include temporary marriage , therefore let us hope our culture will learn to accept this  issue and learn to deal with it.

And lastly, you have to try to change your shyness to religious courage and public decency.

Good luck

Ardabili

Q.hello

I hope you are doing okay . actually , I dident really want to bother you but I have been facing this problem recently that has forced me to contact you.

A few days ago I was faced with a marriage proposal and I accepted it. Now, my sister and my mother are upset about this matter especially my sister who is feeling very ill as a result she hasn’t even talked  to me during this time.

Please help me in this matter. If there is any way possible for you to help resolve the situation please do so as soon as you can because my sister has been seriously affected by this and I am afraid something might happen to her.

I am waitining for your answer.

Thank you for your help.

A.HELLO

I will not help you –until this problem is resolved- for several reasons.

1.your sister still hasn’t accepted the fact that she does will not have any ideal suitors in her age group.

2.your sister needs help and in order to get it she expects someone to just come along and help her which of course is not possible.

3.you have blown this situation way out of proportion.

4.if your sister wants help then she should ask for help herself and take care of herself.

If you want to take it from me don’t let anyone else do your work and take care of your problems and don’t be disappointed at anyone else but yourself.

I have enough problems of my own to take care of and I believe I have already helped this person as much as I could.

I cant help her unless she wants to be helped. please don’t  send any more e- mails,and if you need more help, you can always consult our central office.

Bye

Ardabili

Q.Hello

Its been a long time sime ive been looking for someone who will listen to my troubles… I am 23 years old and I am bi- sexual this was no fault of mine and I am being as a result …I don’t know what to do … please help me if you have time.

thanks ,bye.

A.Hello

Dear friend thank you for trusting me and telling me about your dilemma.

You should do a complete research about yourself in order to really are and what you want.

The moment one finds the smallest inclination towards something he automatically presumes that it is it and theres nothing alse that can change him.

But one must pay attention to the fact that human beings are capable of many different inclinations ,therefore,being bisexual and homosexuality are two completely different topics and much can be said about the two.

Also in the matter of your being gey or bisexual or that you have this conceptual desire in the same sex there is much room for argument the inclination of being attracted to the same sex exists in all human beinge it just varies from one person to another being attracted to the same sex doesn’t necessarily mean you are bi-sexual.

On the other hand my question here is that have you ever been in a relationship with someone and have you ever made contact with that person?

In order to really find out who and what you are and why you should make every effort to talk to a counselor who can answer all of your questions and provide you with a solution.

I hope that this matter will become clearer in future e mails and I will try my very best to help you in any way that I can.

A.Hello befor I beging I want to thank you for paying attention to my problem.even writing about this is hard for me let alone talking with a counselor.this is the most private aspect of my life.

I am a 24 year- old male and ever since I ve hit puberty,I ve found that I have no feelings towards girls at all instead, ive had  this affectionate attraction towards males. Even though I have had many sexual connections before (sorry), but I have never been in a relationship.

I am fighting against this as hard as I can , but I am still losing , because I think that  god may forgive an individual, but forgiving a human that causes othere to be involved in sin is pretty much impossible. I am not religious but I do have some beliefs.

There is also this other issue that is very important for me and is the main reason that I have contacted you , but I will tell you about that later.

It feels great to finally have someone to talk to and tell them things one can never talk about in person.

Thank you,

Bye

Q.HELLO

I am 28 years old and I am from Qazvin .theres this issue I have that I need you to help me on.

A bout 8 months ago ,I met this 58 year old Iranian lady from Sweden on the internet , and after a few weeks ,she began to get affectionately attached to me!!!

Taking into consideration that she is depressed and has faced many problems over there , she has fallen in love with me and does not want me to leave her.

This relationship has endured up to now. She contacts me through telephone mail and the internet she constantly wants to send me money and being aware her situation , I have always refused!

I also need to mention that she  is extremely lonely over there ,and according to her I resemble her relatives , family and her country!! She telephones about 3 to 4 times a week and if one night , god forbid I don’t come online, she ll go crazy!

IF you want more details on this issue please tell me so . thank you for taking your time to help me in this matter, which is consuming much of my time and attention.

Bye

A .hello

Dear friend ,thank you for trusting me with you problem.

Given the details you have provided , I should point out that some of the matters are still unclear to me .

Do you believe that this individual has really fallen in love with you?

I mean does she look at you as a lover or a friend or child she never had?

Therefore it is important that you understand and become familiar with the root of her affection, which in the first case is completely inappropriate and could be problematic. In the second case not only is there no problem with it but it is actually very good and constructive.

In all respects you should try to understand the type of love and the root of her affections towards you and then try to help her accordingly youre probably going to need my help in doing so.

I hope my advice has been useful to you.

Bye

Ardabili

Q.hello

I wanted to ask you a question that has been bothering me for quite some time.

I know your site is about marriage, but I d appreciate if you d help  me out.

For the last 5 years I ve been friends with this girl who is 2 years younger than me and she is like a sister to me.we have a very close relationship and even her whole family knows how close we are.

But with all this, there are some restrictions that prevent us from getting married.

Therefore , I was wondering if it is possible for us to be brother and sister by common low. That way , ill be happy and I know my family wouldn’t have a problem with it either.

Also its been 2-3 years that she has had a relationship with my brother and recently I have forced her to and this relationship. The problem here is that this relationship was sexually oriented-which no one know about – and I think this is on of the obstruction that keep us from getting married.

I want you to help me in making the right decisions on this because even with all of these problems, I still like her and leaving her would be the hardest thing I d ever done.

Thank you

A.hello

Im very happy to answer your question and id love to help you out.

I am surprised of why you didn’t mention how you met this girl and how you came to be friends. I hope youll elaborate more on this in further emails.

First of all, I would like to point out the type of friendship you should have with this girl. Men and women alike axist because of each other and if we substitute this need with something elso we re neglecting human instincts but in some ways you have denied her of her needs and in other ways you have paved the way for it.

You should also realize that this happened because of your frindsship and if you hold back even more in the future don’t be surprised if she leaves you or does things behind your back.

All human beings have the need to fulfill their basic instincts so this issue is very important but not all friendships are sexually oriented mind you . in the case of a close relationship such as yours this issue has to be taken into serious consideration especially at your age. Therefore you should try to find out the roots and the reasons behind your friendship with this girl. Understanding your needs and the needs of your friend is crucial to this relationship and your obstruction could be a decisive blow to it.

Although it may seem that her relationship with your brother was due mainly in part to your intense closeness or the close involvement of your family or vice versa.

If you have some more information regarding my question I d be more then happy to help you out.

Bye,

Ardabili

Replay part2:

Hello,

Becoming a brother or sister by common law is nothing more of a symbolic act in islam. This will not rally make you two relatives or get you close to one another doing so will only put an ethical burden upon shoulders.

You still have to read my first replay carefully if you want to become a brother and sister by common low in order to place an obstruction between you and your friend then it could be quite problematic.

Anyways I hope you don’t increase your problems through ignorance.

You can become brother and sister by common low by visiting the a male eid

Bye

Ardabili

Q.hello

Before I place an appointment with  you I would first like to thank you and all your friends for the wonderful service you provide. I really believe this will save a lot of young people from the many vices of society.

I am a medical student in the university of yazd in iran and like all young people I am often in conflict with my sexual urges due to my religious beliefs and sometimes it  reaches to such an extent that I believe I am am actually sinning this preoccupation is destructive to me because I cant concentrate on more important things like the heavy load of studies that come with a medical degree.

Belonging to a family will give me the warmth and affection I need but I believe that getting married will only help to lose my focus on my studies.another stumbling block for me is not being able to find an ideal partner because I don’t have a reliable source of income and my family situation isn’t too great.

Therefore I am certain that an attempt to get married with my situation I will only be met with utter failure. I have already tried to get married once but it didn’t work out because of the reasons I have listed above.

I ve been thinking about this for quite a while and the thought of engaging in sin makes marriage mandatory on me but like I said marriage is not a suitable option for me right now. Which then takes me to temporary marriage but that too is not possible because o the negativity surrounding this issue in our society and not being able to find the appropriate person who will agree to such a proposal.

This has all preoccupied my mind a lot recently , so id appreciate if youd guide me in the matters I have mentioned a bove.

Thank you

A .HELLO

Dear friend I am very glad to have this apportunity to talk to you and help you solve your problems.

Marriage isn’t only about relieving ones sexual urges but instead god has intended it as a means of creating warmth and affection between a man and a woman so therefore marriage has to be taken quite seriously. This is why you should try to become aware of the basis and the grounds of this issue before you undertake such great responsibility.

But regarding the matter of the type of marriage that is best for you and how you should take the proper steps in that field is huge discussion all by itself.

In short your statement about temporary marriage and the negativity that surrounds it in Iranian society is quite accurate ,hence I cannot provide you with a plausible it in Iranian society is quite accurate hence I cannot provide you with a plausible solution in this field. Even our site does not accept such applications  so you are limited for now as far as temporary marriage goes .

Like I ve said before you should not try to fight against the current instead learn how to swim in it the most important thing for you right now is to prepare yourself for the burden of responsibility your are about to undertake for the long haul (for which I can tell you is a very difficult commitment)

But regarding the case of temporary marriage it has many requirements that have to be met  and  the most important one of them all is being able to understand the public standing on the issue.

I am at your service.

Bye,

Ardabili

Q.HELLO

I am a 21 year-old female. I am modest and shy, I don’t even talk with the boys in my family. I am a computer student in university and I am one of the top students in my field.

I don’t know how, but Ive fell in love with my 27 year-old professor. He asked me to become teachers assistant for one term and ever since, I have felt very attached to him. I have told him indirectly but he hasn’t taken notice, I don’t know .

He wont talk because I think hes in some sort of a predicament.

I feel indescribably bad right now, how can I tell if he likes me or not?

Please answer me before its too late, I am waiting .

Thank you,

Maryam

A.HELLO

Under these circumstances, you should be the one to take the first step, either through a connection or your own self.

Obviously, your aim isn’t anything immoral or wrong but you are simply trying to reach out to a loved one, with the exception that he feels same way towards you and agrees to proposal.

Try to put this forward to your mother and possibly to someone else who is closer to your professor. By doing so hopefully you can get your message across in the best possible manner.

Love is a wonderful thing, but it can be very devastating if not handled correctly, so be careful.

Bye

Ardabili

Q.HELLO

I believe I have written you before but you asked me to elaborate more on my problem and so I will.

Like I said before , my problem is a but an age gap between me and the man I want to get married to. I am seeing this man and he is about 20 years older then me. As far as similarities in religious beliefs, ideology and education go we have no problems at all. In fact , we are very attached to each other.

Actually, before we met I had no idea he was 20 years older than me because he looks a lot younger than what his age tells you.

The only problem I have is this age we and my question you is taking all of these factors into consideration along with the big difference in our age is this marriage okey?

Please help me out ,

Thank you

A.HELLO

It seems as though you haven’t paid enough attention to your age gap. You should know that this considerable difference in age could be problematic in many areas of your married life. Problems like you being more youthful and energetic than him, disputes and disagreement in how to run your family raise your children working seeing friends and family and so on are just some of the setbacks with these kinds of marriages.

Although it could be possible that your case would be an exception but you should definitely see a counselor about this and set some time aside to think about it.

You shouldn’t fall victim to your emotions but instead look at this issue as logically and as reasonably as you can. Take your time on the matter and give yourself some time to think it out.

Bye

Ardabili